WHETHER it is getting a boyfriend, or winning a writing competition (and believe me, getting a boyfriend nowadays is like winning a writing competition, if not the P700 million lotto jackpot), I do not dwell on failures.
In fact, the word ‘failure’ is hardly in my vocabulary.
I do not say, I lost.
I say, I did not win.
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And I sometimes joke, and say, I chose not to win.
But even that is not even close to what I want to say.
So, I correct myself, and say, I decided not to win.
At my age, I just want to feel power.
And control over what happens to me.
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So maybe, I am deluding myself.
But it makes me feel stronger.
I makes me feel victorious.
I am happy.
I am strong.
And I am not hurting anyone else.
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I like going around with the idea that I am a winner whichever way you look at it.
That gives me so much confidence, and positive energy.
People see that.
And that’s what they admire about me.
That’s what they learn from me.
And I teach them that.
As I teach you now.
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I feel sorry for most Filipinos these days.
As I go around the country (and I’ve traveled to Luzon, Visayas, and Mindanao giving workshops in the last 50 days), I saw many Filipinos with sad, if not crumpled, or angry faces.
I do not know if it is just the oppressive heat.
But I think it is more because of their grueling economic hardships.
A lot of people are worried where their next meal is coming from.
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Most of the people I know, even if they have stable jobs, look problematic.
(Okay, some actually have problems with their looks, and ugly faces.)
But most look like they are carrying the weight of five sacks of rice, if not the world.
(And I do not mean the stevedore looking gays.)
But’s more like their salaries are not enough to feed them.
Even those in nice clothes and beautiful makeup, look like they badly need a day at the spa.
Or a good shagging.
(Which brings me back to the idea that landing a boyfriend is a jackpot!)
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Almost all of the time, and I’ll say 99.99% of the time, the people I know tell me, “Peter, you are in a better position. You have financial freedom, and can go wherever, whenever, you want. You don’t even have to have a job. You are set.”
I do not insult them by being modest.
I tell them, That is so true!
I do not tell them that I am suffering, too.
Because, honestly, my suffering, if at all, is never more than their problems.
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What exactly can I complain about?
That I do not have a boyfriend?
That I did not win a writing competition?
That I did not get what I want?
That my steak is well done?
How can that compare to them who have nothing to eat?
How can that compare to f*ckers who do not even know they have HIV or STIs?
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Personally, I am happy because I am completely deluded that I am a winner in any way that you look at it.
Because I have successfully deluded myself that I am a winner, I am happy.
And you can judge me all you want, but my happiness is my choice.
And I look better when I am happy, even if you think I’m deluded.
Bottom line, I look fabulous every time.
And my critics, and detractors, look like sh*t.
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The other day, on Facebook, I posted this message:
I can afford to be crazy
Because I have no job at risk.
People envy me not because I am wealthy,
But because I can be crazy
Anytime I want.
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Only 362 “liked” and reacted to the post.
But it had 13 comments to say that they agree, and the message is so true.
Those are already big numbers for me.
I understand that my critics and detractors do not really hate me.
They just envy what I can do.
Things that they probably want, but can’t do.
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People who don’t like me simply don’t like my energy.
They really can’t fault me about anything else.
Because when I call myself a writer, I can write very well.
Because when I call myself an artist, I have a body of work to show for it.
Because I don’t ask money from people. I don’t hustle. I am not a beggar!
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Because I don’t even have a sex scandal after all these years.
Because I don’t do harm to others.
And I wouldn’t intentionally hurt anyone until they hurt me first.
My greatest sin is pride, not cruelty.
Not even envy which I floated some time ago.
And my God and I are cool with that.
That’s why I can think like a winner.
And act like I truly am.
I think, therefore I am… the Peter Solis Nery. (500tinaga@gmail.com/PN)
