A PSN Lenten retreat, Part 5

CONSILIUM, the gift of counsel and right judgment, is a wonderful gift.

Although my experience and knowledge of the world has prepared me for it, it still is, ultimately, a gift.

Because it is quite hard to judge for the right thing after one has suffered through a lot.

Yet, at the same time, only through surviving the hurts and pain with fortitude and piety that one can truly judge rightly.

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Don’t get me wrong.

I have been through the “angry young man” phase.

I’ve never been truly a war freak, but I have been known to harbor righteous wrath, and rightful anger.

But early on in my life, at least in my mid-20’s, I have prayed deeply to God that I will be blessed with good counsel.

I didn’t want to be a bitter person.

I didn’t want to be an angry young man for long.

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As a precocious boy, I had a “compulsive special” personality.

Some people call it a disorder.

I don’t.

I mean, I still have it today, but I am not defined by it now.

I don’t think it’s a disorder at all.

And I’m actually in control of my personality, and compulsions, these days.

*

I have more control of my compulsive behavior.

And so, I have this flexible dance between being a special cat, an angry lion, and a musical bear.

And when I think that I’m indulging myself too much like a noble suffering cat, I decide to get my act together, and become an angry lion king, who puts, and commands, order from my pride rock.

When that doesn’t work, I stick up my middle finger, shake my sandals, turn about face, and sing Hakuna` Matata.

*

So, sometimes you read my works as self-indulgent as a meowing cat.

Or, angry and righteous like a roaring lion.

Or, totally bumming like a carefree bear.

Take your pick.

Don’t worry.

Before you can judge me, I have already judged myself.

Because I have that gift of consilium—good spiritual counsel.

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Counsel is like a supernatural intuition that enables me to judge promptly and rightly.

I do not give my spare change to all begging street children.

I know by a hunch, by gut feeling, which children genuinely need my help.

Which ones are being exploited by their parents, or some syndicates.

And which ones are exploiting their condition to feed their addictions.

In a sense, I know to whom I should give P100, and to whom I should grant P1,000.

*

If I push my example further, I can say that I simply do not sleep with all the people that I like.

Or all the people who like to take me to bed.

And all things considered, I think I have been doing all right.

I mean, it is definitely more than just luck that I do not catch sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Of course, as a sexually active gay man, I’m pretty lucky, too.

I mean, there was this guy who I really liked.

I wanted to hook up with him.

But he didn’t want to get physical with me.

*

Three months later, we met again.

I asked how he was.

How’s his sex life?

He told me he got gonorrhea in the months we didn’t talk.

I, of course, pulled out my online medical record from my phone, and showed him I’m totally negative for STIs.

Counsel, as a spiritual gift, may not have played a part here.

(I badly wanted to have sex with him!)

But some higher power clearly protects me.

*

Still, I feel that by letting him go when he said No to my advances, I have exercised good counsel, too.

Because I know I can be very persistent.

And I am known to turn most people to say Yes to me.

I mean, I am pretty irresistible if I turn on all my charms.

But good counsel, as a developed spiritual gift, also means discerning when to turn on all of one’s powers, and when to just let people go.

*

My friends are often shocked at how generous I can be to my so-called “enemies”.

Of course, I always explain to anybody who cares to listen that I have no real enemies.

That I just don’t have the energy to collect enemies.

I mean, you do me an evil thing, that’s on you.

I just drop you from my list.

I do not become a crybaby feeling betrayed.

I do not turn into an angry lion ready to pounce on a mouse.

I simply channel the musical bear in me—

Don’t worry, be happy! La-la-la!

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And what happens when those so-called enemies of mine come to me for aid and assistance?

I listen.

I hear their prayers.

Like God, I listen to their bullshit.

And in my good counsel, I help them.

Because that is the right thing to do.

The decision to help is not aided by any mental enlightenment.

Not by any spiritual dogma of forgiving.

But by the mere gift of counsel.

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Because true consiliumis also being attuned to the will of God.

And God is, very simply, Mercy.

So, it is true that I will not give money to all the poor who call to me, “Lord! Lord! Lord!”

But I will seek out those miserable people who have made my life miserable, and help them.

Because that’s the right thing to do.

That’s the godly thing to do.

That’s the merciful thing to do.

*

I like that I have control over my mind, and my emotions.

I like that I can intuitively decide on the right thing to do.

I like that I see immediately what is God’s will in every situation.

I like that I am gifted this way.

I mean, it’s demanding.

It’s not easy to be as nice as I am.

But I like what gifts I have been given.

I like what I have become. (500tinaga@gmail.com/PN)