I DON’T like surgeries, period.
I don’t remember having had any surgery.
I’m not even sure now if I had my tonsils removed.
But I’m not bothered now by my tonsils (or lack thereof).
Maybe occasionally.
But that would now all fall under the bracket called “sore throat.”
Or maybe, I had tonsillectomy after all.
If I had it, that could have been a surgery before I turned twenty.
***
Wait!
As I write this, I do begin to remember now having one surgery in the US before.
That was in 1999, and I was new to Los Angeles.
I was 30 years old.
And I had been bad. Naughty. Sexy.
I lost my virginity.
In the ass.
***
Honestly, I always had constipation growing up.
I was not a big water drinker; I’m still not.
And I always had hemorrhoids.
I blame it on spicy food.
Although that really sounds so stupid and unscientific right now.
I knew a hemorrhoid attack was coming because I was eating a lot of spicy food.
***
Anyway, I met this Hollywood bit actor.
He was my first gay sex.
My first sex ever.
I thought it was going to be just some action, but then he asked for my ass.
I felt that I was ready at 30.
I gave what he wanted.
As punishment, I got a bad case of hemorrhoids.
For a few days!
***
It went so bad.
I was afraid I had rectal prolapse.
I decided to go to the emergency room.
The doctors said it’s just hemorrhoids.
There was a conservative option to wait it out, and there was an option to surgically deal with it on that same visit.
I let the surgery interns play with my rectum.
They dealt with the nasty hemorrhoids.
***
That surgery kind of traumatized me.
I didn’t really want to bottom to anybody after that.
I mean, obviously, I still did.
But in a very, very, very, very few times in this lifetime.
I’m very choosy about anal sex.
I’m pretty tight-ass.
And I have an anal retentive personality, too.
***
People cannot believe I’m a top.
They think that because I’m a fashion-dresser and kind of effeminate, I’m a bottom.
Oh, how wrong they can be!
I’m a top guy.
Versatile, if that makes you happy.
But I‘ve lived as a top or active dominant sex partner most of my adult life.
***
People think I’m joking in my comedy shows when I say that in my eight-year relationship with my husband, I only bottomed maybe ten times.
Or, plus or minus two, not over a dozen times.
The punchline to this confession, of course, is that I only bottomed when I get diamonds for it.
And my husband had showered me with diamond rings and diamond stud earrings.
***
I like being a top sex partner.
But after my husband died, I’ve opened to the idea of playing versatile, and bottoming for hot young guys who have the energy, and the tool, of a stallion.
If they can give it hard to daddy, why not play a pony?
***
Honestly, boys like my ass because it’s pretty tight.
And then, the pandemic happened.
Truth be told, the pandemic cut down my sexcapades.
And still I got my hemorrhoids.
And it got really bad in February this year.
***
This hemorrhoid was not triggered by some hot, naughty, unbridled sex.
So, I was pretty sure this was not some kind of punishment from the Heaven of my Holy Roman Catholic Church upbringing.
In March, it has gotten so bad that I requested for a colonoscopy.
***
The good news from the colonoscopy was that I didn’t have any polyps.
Everything was good so that the only recommendation was a repeat colonoscopy in ten years.
But it also said that I had a large, internal, non-bleeding hemorrhoid.
Ouch!
See what happens next.
***
This piece continues as “Under the knife”./PN
