In March, I had a colonoscopy, and it was found out that I had a large, internal, non-bleeding hemorrhoid.
***
My primary care doctor said that I should just deal with it conservatively.
At least two liters of fluid daily, avoid sedentary lifestyle, have more fibers in my diet, the works.
And I was just thinking, I’m not drinking enough water since I was eight years old, how can I change my lifestyle and drink more water now at 52?
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Also, how can I avoid a sedentary lifestyle?
I’m a writer.
I’m confined to a sedentary lifestyle!
I mean, I tried running, remember?
I ran marathons for God’s sake!
But I’m not running now, am I?
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At 52, I began to fear hemorrhoids.
Flashes of my constipated grandmother straining to death just to move her bowel came to mind.
If I’m constipated, I don’t want a large hemorrhoid in old age.
I’ve been reading about the high probability of rectal prolapse after 50.
What if it happened to me?
***
I talked to my doctors.
How large is a large hemorrhoid?
How deep is internal?
I mean, if it’s 2 inches up my anus, I wouldn’t mind it.
But if it’s less than half an inch in, and there’s a bigger and frequent possibility of it coming out (like a rectal prolapse) every time I strain to empty my bowel, God help me!
***
I talked to my friends and family.
Hemorrhoid is not really a great topic of conversation.
I don’t even think it’s a good topic for a column.
But hey, my friends and family assured me that talking about it is healthy.
Who knew?
Three of them have the same problem I do.
And now, my courage and braveness forced them to face their music.
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In my survey, my family and friends suggested surgical removal.
Argument number 1: You want to do it in the US, before you go back to the Philippines.
Argument number 2: Do it while it is free, with American health insurance and all.
Argument number 3: You don’t want Filipino medical professionals talking about your hemorrhoids and your ass.
Argument number 4: Hemorrhoidectomy is a low-risk standard procedure in the US, and no one is interested in your sex life.
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That Argument No. 4 got me because I hate it that most ignorant people think that I got hemorrhoids because I let people use my ass.
Thinking about it now, I don’t think I was buttf*cked more than 60 times in my lifetime.
Truth be told, the surgeon was pretty impressed with how tight and intact my ass was.
He said something about great sphincter integrity.
I mean, I painted a pretty good picture that I was in some anal sex action.
But yeah, when he asked, I told him I’ve never been f*cked more than 60 times in all of my 52 years.
Because that’s the truth.
***
I had my surgery on June 3.
And I’m doing OK.
But as you read this, I’m probably busy packing for my trip to Puerto Rico.
I’ll be in Puerto Rico until next week.
So, yeah, some hot island.
Maybe some hot local boys.
But I’m not ready for some butt action.
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And in a good way, I have some kind of an online Filipino boyfriend now.
I mean, I’m not committed to him since I don’t even know the smell of his breath.
But he’s kept me company since October last year.
I mean, we have video pleasured each other during this pandemic.
Do I want to be with this guy forever?
Who knows?
***
In Puerto Rico, I’ll be staying in some clothing optional gay resort.
It’s pretty from the brochures.
And since I have been to Puerto Rico before (to celebrate my 50th birthday), I’ll be happy to stay in our villa and just enjoy the private swimming pool.
Although again, I’m not known to say No to any kind of fun.
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So, this so-called boyfie — he has given me the permission to flirt.
Jokingly, I told him, I might kiss some, top some, blow some, but my ass is reserved for him.
And we both had a laugh at that.
We will see.
***
Despite the fact that I’m fully vaccinated, I’m still a little COVID-scared.
But Puerto Rico is some kind of a testing ground.
If I can survive Puerto Rico, maybe I can survive a homecoming trip to the Philippines!/PN
