THE OTHER day, I woke up with a lot of farm animals: cows, a carabao, pigs, ducks, geese, chicken.
The night before that, I had a goat.
There are dogs, but you know…
***
I really like waking up in the farm.
Sunrise over the hills, or the rice fields.
Coffee while breathing the fresh morning air.
I only wish that I find myself a husband, or a lover who loves the farm life, too.
***
Most young men are not farm-minded anymore.
They’re ML addicts even if they probably could not afford it.
They’re also very deluded that they could catch up with gorgeous movie stars so they fall into fashion trends like cheap and fake braces.
***
Young men have no sense of savings and money management.
If you give a teenager P500, he will probably buy a P200 shirt, and a P300 baseball cap; never mind that he doesn’t play baseball.
No wonder boys are very cheap in the Philippines.
***
Ask any gay man (except me) and they will tell you that you can have a boy or a good job for P200; and that’s on the generous side.
I do not pay for boys.
I mean, I give them money out of the goodness of my heart, but I do not, I repeat—I do not buy boys. Haha.
***
It will be a challenge to bring back boys to the idea of the farm.
I mean, I asked a boy if he would live in the farm with me for P5,000 monthly.
This is a freshman college student in the local school.
All he had to do for 5K was cook our breakfast—note, our breakfast, not just mine; clean up a little bit before or after school; and take the laundry to the wash and fold shop.
He said no.
***
I asked how much salary does he think that he’s worth.
He said that he doesn’t know.
He said that he didn’t like to work, and if I could just give him P500.
I asked him, P500 for what?
Turns out, the ass was for sale.
The asshole was for sale.
***
I want a horse.
I want to keep a horse in my farm.
Please send info my way regarding price, source, and maybe tips to raise it.
I never had a horse in my life.
I mean, there’s an “I had a horse last night” among the sexy people; and I’ve been there, done that.
But I want a horse, and I want to have a horse, in a more literal sense.
***
I’m sure that I want to keep ghosts in my farm.
Oh, did I say ‘ghosts’?
I meant, goats. Holy goats!
Which reminds me of a shepherd boy who had sex with ghosts.
***
I can’t wait for the carpenters to finish my treehouse.
I feel that I need to live there for a week, at least, to decide what farm animals I want to keep.
But let there be goats, and a horse.
Cows?
Ducks, geese, and chicken?
And I know this is hard to register, but I want a Peter Rabbit farm!
***
I don’t know how dedicated I will be to farm animals.
I’m a writer, not a farmer.
I try to be a farmer, but I’m really just…
…a farm owner. Haha!
***
I’m not what you may call an animal lover.
I mean, I’m all for the protection of animals.
I will fight the cause of polar bears and pandas, et cetera.
But I hate pedigreed dogs all over my town nowadays.
I grew up with askals, and that was fine.
We would even eat them in the 1970s.
***
My aversion with dogs started with a friend who borrowed P45,000 from me.
I asked whether it was for something that’s a matter of life and death.
He said, “sort of”.
I didn’t press.
If I’m lending money for a matter of life and death, that’s all that matters.
***
The idiot bought a German Shepherd.
Sad ending: my friend started eating dog food from the can.
Sadder ending: I unfriended him because I cannot tolerate people who are pretentious.
Arf! Arf, arf!/PN
