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BY GORDON Q. GUILLERGAN
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Expectation vs reality
“Whatever it is you’re seeking won’t come in the form you’re expecting.” ― Haruki Murakami
THEY SAY the moment we set expectations that’s when things start to fall apart.
But there is something good in setting expectations, even a little bit. Too often, however, it is quite better to know what not to expect in things.
Our Family Code was written to protect the inviolable social institution from arbitrary or rash dissolution of marriages based on minuscule grounds or matters which are better dealt with by the spouses, due to un-met expectations.
Our courts are granted the constitutional right to relax the Rules of Procedure when public interest requires it, but substantial justice should never be defeated. Hence, a groundless petition for annulment shall not suffice. For the laws are clear as to the grounds under Article 45 of the Family Code.
What shouldn’t we expect in marriage, aside from its “life imprisonment” penalty, as the common marriage joke goes? Dr. Carol Tanksley wrote about the seven things you should not expect in marriage.
Mindreading – Despite the number of years you have been married, personalities change sporadically (common to women, as I am gender biased). You cannot always assume that you already know your wife or husband too well.
The less you try reading their minds and take it under the legal principle of “Plain Meaning Rule” or taking their actions and words at face value or the way it simply means, trust me, things will be a bit better.
Perfect harmony – Name one marriage that lasted more than 50 years and never in the course of it the spouses ever argued over something even so small.
Even if you get married, you still argue as to what dinner to serve during the wedding reception; so never expect that after marriage it will all be perfect. Marriage is not a fairy tale.
Every need to be met – The common mistakes men make in marriage is to feel the need to provide. To make sure HE is the MAN of the house.
But there will come to a point when he cannot provide a need and that’s all right. Or perhaps she cannot give in to a common or regular routine, but that should be okay because nothing we need is ever really met in life. C’est la vie!
Unending sexual ecstasy – According to Dr. Carol, medical problems, differences in sexual needs / desires / expectations, and other life challenges are all likely to affect your sexual life together. This area of your marriage will need your commitment, forgiveness and resilience just like every other area.
Your 20 something stamina may not be the same at 40, so when sex life goes downhill don’t fret. There are other stimulating or arousing ways to create intimacy, like a healthy sweet conversation.
No future challenges – Trust me, even an unmarried individual like me would know that marriage never cease to have a challenge. So to expect the absence of this or to even attempt to avoid a challenge is futile. Save the effort and take a rest.
Never having to say “I’m Sorry!” – This I find interesting. Marriage is not having to say you’re sorry because if you love someone you will do everything in your power not make a mistake.
But Dr. Carol said in marriage you are bound to make mistakes and true love is manifested with how you learn to forgive.
So make more mistakes so you can often manifest that. (Joke! Don’t even try.)
Never being disappointed – Life in general is full of disappointments so come to marriage prepared for yet a truckload of the same.
But never underestimate you capacity and your spouse’s capacity to surpass these disappointments for you might be surprised waking up to you 80th wedding anniversary.
Life is better unexpected, but the joy of having expectations is how reality could often surprise us, and how we react to these realities are priceless.
At the end of the day, always remember that where you are now is part of a bigger plan set out by God long before you’re even born. And the person you are married to is brought to you for a reason; you just have to find what that is and thank God./PN
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