IT’S EXHAUSTING to be a known millionaire in the Philippines.
Why do people feel that they are entitled to peddle you anything from fresh fish to dried fish?
“Please buy from me, I need to feed my family.”
***
When I was growing up, I adored Nanette Inventor’s Doña Buding.
I also had a late appreciation of Dely Atay-atayan’s Doña Delilah character in “John ‘n’ Marsha”.
For myself, I have cultivated a mata-pobre character online since the start of the Tanga and Bobo season last year.
***
Since coming home to the Philippines in late July, early August in Iloilo, I have been labeled “ang millionario” by the people around me.
I no longer try to correct them.
Why should I?
***
I always hear, “Maayo lang ini ‘ya ang millionario.” (The millionaire has it easy.)
“Baw, patilawa man kami sang milliones mo.” (Let us partake of your millions.)
“Millionario ka na gid ‘ya, To.” (You are a made millionaire now, Dude.)
***
What do you say to these potshots?
I do not want to take the standard humble stance.
I do not want to say, “Not really.”
Why should I?
How can I deny that I am a millionaire?
I got millions, period.
Whether it is 5 million, or 50, or 500, it’s still millions.
***
In my dealing with my townspeople, I realized it’s more fun to play the role to the hilt.
When they see me washing the dishes, or doing the laundry, they would say, “Don’t do that. Leave it. You are a millionaire.”
And I say, “Dishwashing is the stress relief of real millionaires.”
***
The pedicab and e-bike drivers are not my fans.
Because I prefer to walk and/or run, they think that I’m too miserly to share with them the coin changes of a millionaire.
The 100-meter distance from my house to the jeepney or shuttle van terminal costs P10 on e-bike.
I walk that easy in 5 minutes.
***
Why take the jeepney or shuttle van?
Because it’s only P80 or P100 round trip to the city.
But that’s about P500 gasoline easy, plus P500 driver’s salary.
Why pay a driver?
Because I don’t want to be a dead millionaire driving in crazy traffic, and crazier roads to the city!
***
In less than a month, I have established an image of myself as a walker and runner in my town.
A little crazy maybe (I sometimes run naked), but people have noticed.
They greet me when I pass, and that’s good for my soul.
***
The other day, I met a student on Grindr.
He said that he knew me because he always sees me running, and people have been talking about me as I passed them by.
I asked if he wanted to meet me, and he said, Of course!
So, we met, and made out for an hour.
He thinks that I’m pretty sexy despite my age.
***
People think that I’m a big wine drinker.
They always try to serve wine when they’re entertaining me for dinner.
And that’s not so cheap.
When I hit tuba drinking, they were all surprised.
They talked about tuba and tuba benefits for about five weeks in the month that I had tuba everyday.
***
I’m now hitting Siok Tong, that 51 proof alcohol infusion with 15 or so Chinese herbs that older farmers drank traditionally.
It is officially called a tonic wine.
Tastes like Jagermeister or Becherovka.
Alone, I’m happy drinking a shot every other night.
In company with others, I can drink up to three shots.
Six, if drunken sex is the goal. Haha.
***
Now and then, my gay friends on motorcycle would go to the barrios and nearby towns to meet boys who drink Tanduay Dark.
They’d take me with them because they know I’d foot the first P1,000 of the total bill.
The only time I paid P1,368 was when one of the boys started touching me in view of everybody, and kissing me in the dark.
***
The first time my friends took me though, I was a party pooper.
I went into a lecture on gonorrhea and other sexually transmitted infections.
No one had sex that night.
I told them that those who are sure to be STI-free can go in the dark and have sex, and I would even cheer for them.
Nobody moved. Haha./PN
