‘Baklang hamburger’

“Gilingin mo man ‘yan, ang labas niyan baklang hamburger.” – Ricky Reyes

HAVE YOU ever been to those “comedy clubs”? They’re mostly found in Malate while some are also in Makati and Quezon City. So far there has been no sighting of one in “I Am Iloilo City” and no, the Sangguniang Panlungsod or city council does not qualify as one although the resemblance is quite uncanny.

If you’re a native of “I Am Iloilo City” and has lived here most of your adult life chances are you’ve never been to a “comedy club “and would not know the difference between a “comedy club” and a clubhouse sandwich. But I’m quite certain that at some point in your life in “I Am Iloilo City” you have seen, perhaps even eaten, a clubhouse sandwich.

Speaking of clubhouse sandwich is making Moi hungry and brings back images of those lovely vegan clubhouse sandwiches from Corner Tree Café in Makati.

And we segue back to “comedy clubs”. If you’re one of those adventurous natives of “I Am Iloilo City” and have gathered enough courage to leave your comfort zone to board a Cebu Pacific Airbus A320 to Manila, then chances are you have been to one of those “comedy clubs” either in Malate, Makati or Quezon City.

If you’ve been to Manila and still have not seen the insides of a “comedy club” then it would be best that you just confine yourself to eating the burned carcass of a dead chicken and drinking lukewarm beer in one of those cheap and baduy bars in “I Am Iloilo City”.

Now I’m not saying that those “comedy bars” in Manila are the epitome of hip, trendy and bohemian bars although some are, but if you have not been to the “other side” or as punk rock icon Lou Reed said, “take a walk on the wild side”, then baby you have not been there.

For those who have been there, you’ll notice that almost all of the standup comedians in all the “comedy clubs” are members of the whole spectrum of the LBGT community – from gay men, women, transgenders and cross-dressers, the whole lot.

And you’ll also notice that most of the time, but not always, the butt of the joke are the straight men, sometimes women, in the audience. In short, these gay comedians make jokes at the expense of straight people in the audience.

Take note also that nobody seems to be offended (if they are they just don’t show it). It’s all done in fun and everyone has a good laugh and everyone goes home drunk and happy with an empty wallet and a hangover.

But hey, who’s complaining? We all had a good laugh at our expense.

Now let’s have a good laugh at their expense this time. Excerpts from a Sept. 10, 2019 article on The Adobo Chronicles:

McDonald’s Philippines launches new Ricky Reyes Hamburger

McDonald’s may have finally found its best answer to Jollibee’s chicken joy: a new hamburger menu item it is calling “Ricky Reyes Hamburger.”

The American fast-food chain came up with the new concept after a video surfaced on social media where the renowned, openly-gay hairstylist, philanthropist and businessman chastised fellow gay Filipino men.

Asked about the bill seeking to protect LGBT people from discrimination which is now pending in Congress, Reyes said, “Kung ikaw ay may nota, sa lalaki ka. ‘Pag may kipay ka, sa babae ka. Nirerespeto kita bilang tao, nirerespeto kita bilang bading, pero lumugar tayo sa tamang lugar.” (If you have a penis, you are a man. If you have a vagina, you are a woman. I respect you as a person; I respect you as a gay man, but let’s stay in our place.)

“Kung nagpa-opera ka, ang bakla, miski may kipay na, may boobs na, bakla pa rin ang utak niyan,” he said. “Gilingin mo man ‘yan, ang labas niyan baklang hamburger.” (Even if you’ve undergone surgery, a gay man, even if he has a vagina, or boobs, he still thinks like a gay man… Even if you grind them, they will come out as gay hamburgers.)

The new hamburgers will cost just P69.

And all the while I thought they have a preference for a stiff jumbo hotdog, not the waffle dog kind, just your plain jumbo hotdog in its entire naked splendor minus the waffle.

On a serious note and I don’t mean “nota”, Ricky Reyes is right. You see, despite all the surgical alterations and politically correct nonsense, you’re still physiologically and biologically a man, a gay man who still thinks like one. (brotherlouie16@gmail.com/PN)