WEDDINGS are a good thing for the woman. It is what every scheming…demure female dreams of doing with the man of her dreams; Mr. Right or Left. Whoever the poor fellow maybe.
I fiercely avoid going to weddings. I can’t help but shed tears and at my age, I’m not supposed to have any tears left.
I sympathize and pity the groom. Never mind the bride. We men should stick together in misery. Don’t look at her. That is why she is wearing a veil…to hide her crossed eyes and fangs.
***
In retrospect and deep study, only a mentally unbalanced person will march to martyrdom…ah, matrimony. You have condemned yourself to an eternity of slavery and hard labor.
And for what? The pleasure is momentary; the position hilarious and ridiculous; the outcome…eternal damnation.
***
But wonders never cease. Every year, month and day, insane couples continue to hold hands and march down the aisle, without absolutely knowing what they’re doing…to the delight of the priests, beauticians and caterer.
And our sisters in the Third World, as well, happily rake in the money. The ugly…lovely bride has to have her hideous…ah, porcelana face re-touched and re-2-K’d and made passable as human.
The acne scars have to be smoothened by No. 7 papel de liha or a bal-ag; the flaring nostrils plugged with cotton or if utterly impossible to beautify, gag her with a tampax and use a thick veil.
Tell her it is now the vogue. The smitten bride will believe anything…that the face of the bride should only be seen by the groom on their wedding night.
What cruel and unusual punishment. Faced with such a bride, the groom would either die of fright or jump out of the window.
This is on the part of horrifying-looking brides. But there are also really beautiful brides who march down the aisle in the arms of prehistoric specimens of extinct homos. Men with toxic features and durian-complexion who should be banned from walking around lest small children suffer convulsions or epilectic fits. But the guy is rich, landed, has many carabaos…never mind, if he is hare-lipped.
And his height is 5’4” – 5’9”. One of his feet is six inches shorter than the other. You could get married on the sidewalk.
***
There is really no end or satisfying answers to unusual, improbable or least compatible couples tying the marital knot. But love is blind and the cross-eyed one sees beauty twice.
Reminds me of two elderly couple on the night of their wedding. As they were undressing for the encounter…
The bride took off her false teeth and told the groom, “I have no teeth.”
“So do I,” said the groom, and placed his false teeth in a glass of water.
“I have only one eye,” confessed the bride.
“No problem, my dear, cuz I’m crossed-eyed,” said the groom.
“I had a mastectomy,” said the bride and breathless and breastless, took off her bra.
“I’m a double amputee,” said the groom, and removed his prosthetic legs.
“I guess I’ll have to take off my artificial arms and give it a rest,” said the bride.
“Me, too,” said the groom, and they sat on the matrimonial bed, amidst their body spare parts and wedding presents.
“Well, we are finally wed. To think, we had to wait 60 years for our spouses to die and set us free.”
“Yes, my dear. Love like wine tastes better with age.”
And the happy couple snored in marital bliss. (muzones_law_office@yahoo.com/PN)
