I want his fingers up my…

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BY PETER SOLIS NERY
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SINCE I retired myself from Nursing in 2014, I have been paying my health insurance in the United States. It is not cheap.

My plan has a $4,000 deductible. I don’t know what that really means. I don’t normally use it.

I think it means I have to pay $4,000 out of my pocket first before the insurance benefits kick in. I do not like that at all.


In August last year, I had a sore throat. (I don’t remember what I put down my throat!) But I don’t believe in medications.

I told myself the problem will resolve itself in three days.

It didn’t. This particular sore throat lasted a total of six days.

Anyway, my friend alarmed me on Day 3. I think he just wanted to French kiss me that weekend so he told me I needed to have my throat checked.


Because my sore throat wasn’t resolving at the speed I expected, I decided to go to an urgent care clinic. (No, I didn’t really want to French kiss that weekend!)

I was pretty sure the clinic can do nothing about it, but I was already willing to have my throat checked for bacteria or something.

They did blood tests and swabs; and in the end, told me, nothing serious, I just have to wait it out. But if I wanted, they could give me acetaminophen.


The visit cost me $90. I wasn’t very happy with that! $90 for something that I already knew? Didn’t I say I knew they could do nothing about it?

I also refused the acetaminophen because somehow I believed they would charge me something like $30 for a dose of Tylenol, which I’m sure I have at home in some expiring bottle since I am not a fan of pain medications.


So, to be honest, I do not really go to the doctors in America. I do not even believe in what they do.

I think most doctors in the US (but not all, of course), do not know what they do. I mean, I am a nurse, and I know what I’m talking about.

If it’s a quadruple bypass heart surgery or something, yes, sure, they maybe the best.

But all the common illnesses, I don’t trust them.

I can’t trust American doctors to cure pneumonia!


The only thing I believe in American health care is the free HIV and sexually transmitted infections testing.

I go to these free clinics religiously for testing every month or two. I am an HIV testing advocate, remember?


Before flying to the Philippines, for example, I got tested so I could go around feeling superior over the sex-starved population because I know that I am HIV negative.

I mean, it’s just nicer to go around cruising with my HIV negative test result. Knowing your HIV status is a status symbol!

I could be wrong, but I thought awareness of my HIV status could give me a get-laid advantage. Haha!


So you can understand why the first things I did when I arrived home in Dumangas was visit the dentist on Day 1; and got my blood drawn for complete hematology and metabolic and lipid panels on Day 2.

I ate at the Manila airport after midnight, so I could not submit to a fasting blood test on Day 1.

It turned out two of my molars had a small, tiny caries each. They had to be filled. Or at least, I insisted that they be filled now rather than later.


For the complete job, which included a general mouth cleaning, my dentist charged me P1,500 or $29.22. It made me happy.

I mean, I’m so glad I go to my dentist at least once a year (when I visit the Philippines) because if there are dental problems, they are not yet at a point beyond repair.

Don’t get me started why I don’t go to the dentist in the US!

But here’s a short of a long story: When I had my first thorough dental work done back in 2007, I spent $1,400 in the Philippines for what was estimated to be a $13,000 job in the US.


My blood test cost me P2,100 or $40.90 because I requested a PSA. That was a very good price, too, because I have the Peter Solis Nery discount.

I do not get things free when I am in the Philippines. Well, not always. I mean, I insist on paying, but I would take a BFF or celebrity discount.

The PSA test is a little expensive at P800. But I can afford it. And I mean, I’m 48, and I figured I should just check for early signs of prostate cancer.


I didn’t have to go to a doctor for my blood results. All my result values are within the normal levels.

But I really want to see a cute doctor for a thorough physical. I mean, I want a rectal probe!

I want a cute, young, male doctor to put his fingers up my ass. I want him to feel me. And I want to see him blush!

But I’m only 48. And I think they only require a prostate exam for 50 and above. I really don’t know.

I mean, can I just pay a cute, young, male doctor to put his fingers up my chute? Please? Pretty, pretty, please? (500tinaga@gmail.com/PN)
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