BY AIZA DELA CRUZ
AN AFRICAN proverb said, “It takes a village to raise a child.” This means that everyone in the community is involved in child-rearing directly or indirectly, through our acts to ensure a safe and secure environment for children. This saying showed the importance of the relationship between a child and the people around him. Thus, both parents must be involved in parenting.
When my husband and I became involved in the autism community, we learned that many are single parents. There are various reasons mostly, they leave because they could not accept their child’s diagnosis, cannot take the responsibility entailed in raising an autistic child, or have a different opinion on how to raise the child.
Before our son was diagnosed, my husband and I were already involved in child-rearing. When I am tired from breastfeeding our son, my husband would take care of the baby or put him to sleep. He also took part in giving our son baths, changing his diapers and clothes, and washing soiled clothes. I made him involved because I told him that I could not do it alone, and I need his help and cooperation. Also, he desired to be an involved father and help me since I suffered from post-partum depression.
When we were waiting for our son’s diagnosis, we talked about the roles we would play and ways on how to help him. Even though we both have the earnest desire to help our son, it was still hard to take on that responsibility. So far, I think we have managed our roles well. So, I would like to share some tips on how I managed to have my husband involved in rearing and educating our son.
Talk
This is the most important part because you will know how your partner thinks about autism and what he feels about it. Throw judgment out the window. Be rational and logical, and don’t get hurt about what he thought about autism and your autistic child.
Talking intimately and deeply without reservations or fear, takes time and practice, and patience. At first, your partner may be defensive, reserved, and confused why you are asking for their opinions and feelings about it. They might feel that they are walking on a landmine. Sharing your thoughts and feelings first helps. Remember there is no right or wrong, positive or negative in your thoughts. This is us being humans.
Ask for help
It is perfectly okay to feel overwhelmed about everything. You are not doing anything wrong or less. You are not lacking or not doing enough. We are parents who care a lot for our children and we need help. You need your partner’s help. Do not be afraid to ask for it.
The way for your partner to be involved is to ask their help. It could be as simple as watching over the sleeping child while you cook or watching television with the child. It all begins with small acts.
Check your partner’s reactions when you ask for help or request something from them. Start with simple tasks. Always ask for their permission and cooperation. Remember that they must also feel overwhelmed or overburdened, but they could not express their feelings. Be considerate of each other’s feelings.
Help each other
Parenting is not a competition as to who got to do more than the other. Don’t compare. Parenting is hard. That is why you have your partner and have each other. Teach and help each other. For you, it may be easy to change a diaper, for others it might be difficult for them. Be patient and understanding. To have the desire to be involved is a good thing and a step closer to being a fully-involved parent.
Since my husband works, I mostly attend seminars and lectures on autism and parenting by myself. When he arrives home, I share with him what I have learned over dinner. This way, I am helping him to be informed. I also ask what he thinks about the information I shared with him. Then I involve him in how we can do a particular activity or task. When we were potty-training our son, my husband showed and taught him how to pee every time he goes to the toilet. Just this simple act helped my son understand his body parts and how they work.
Give praise
Acknowledge your partner’s efforts in your family and child-rearing. There is no big or small contribution when it comes to parenting. I am grateful that my husband made it possible for me to be a full-time mother to take care of and teach our son myself. It is hard for him to be the sole breadwinner, and after his work, he spends time with me and our son. I praise his efforts and his involvement.
My husband may not be as involved as I am in child-rearing, and he will never be as he is the breadwinner but makes sure to help me whenever he is at home. He will play with our son if I am cooking or cook our food so I can rest. He also involves himself in his way. He advocates for autism in his workplace. That alone is a big contribution to ensure that our son will live in a community free of prejudice against his condition.
I enjoin everyone to have more compassion and understanding for all children with different abilities.
I would also like to hear the experiences of other parents who have children on the autism spectrum. You may email me at genevieveaiza.delacruz@gmail.com. I am a member of the Autism Society Philippines (ASP), a national non-profit organization dedicated to the well-being of persons on autism spectrum disorder./PN
