[av_one_full first min_height=” vertical_alignment=” space=” custom_margin=” margin=’0px’ padding=’0px’ border=” border_color=” radius=’0px’ background_color=” src=” background_position=’top left’ background_repeat=’no-repeat’ animation=”]
[av_heading heading=’MY LIFE AS ART | Peace according to Peter, Part 1′ tag=’h3′ style=’blockquote modern-quote’ size=” subheading_active=’subheading_below’ subheading_size=’15’ padding=’10’ color=” custom_font=”]
BY PETER SOLIS NERY
[/av_heading]
[av_textblock size=” font_color=” color=”]
Monday, May 8, 2017
[/av_textblock]
[av_textblock size=” font_color=” color=”]
WHEN do people seriously begin to consider peace as a desirable value? At what age will you, personally, do specific actions to attain your peace?
Does peace only come be considered when you have already achieved some sense of financial security? Do you think peace, like Art, is a thing in the higher order of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs?
***
Forget about world peace. Just think about your own peace. Your own peace of mind. What will you do to have your peace? Are you willing to kill for your own peace of mind?
Are you willing to let go of a long marriage, or even lifelong relationships? Are you willing to break convention, and defy tradition?
Are you willing to be selfish to attain your peace?
Are you willing to pay, or give away money, for your peace of mind? Are you willing to forgive someone who has betrayed your trust, and hurt you the most?
I’m 48 years old now. And thank God, I am pretty much at peace with the world, and myself. But I got friends and family and relatives who seem to be without much peace.
Do I tell them what to do? No! Do I share with them my secret in attaining peace? No!
To live the kind of peaceful existence that I have, I have to be selfish.
I have to understand that I cannot meddle in other people’s journey to their peace.
I have to let go of my relationships, and just trust that each one of us is smart enough to f*ck up our lives. And conversely, to put order into them.
***
Early on in my life, my family has accused me of being controlling because I would try to solve their problems for them.
I seem to always have a unique and better view, a right perspective, that they can’t see. So, they usually take my point of view and solve their problem my way.
And then, they view my intervention as dictating and directing their lives. F*ck that! So, now, I just go hands off of their own mess.
It’s true that I am the smartest in the family. Consequently, I always have brilliant ideas to solve all sorts of problem. Not only problems of my family, but of all the people in the world. It would seem.
In fact, I think I have the solution to end poverty in the Philippines, or to end all wars. But since nobody is asking me, I am not talking.
***
I mean, why cast my wisdom pearls before swine? I don’t want to be accused of being controlling. Or of being so full of myself to just dispense unsolicited advice.
Peace is such an important value. I personally think that not everybody should be entitled to it. It should be like wealth. Only those who seek peace should find it.
I also think that only those who are willing to sacrifice for peace shall get it. I don’t want peace doled out for everybody. I think people should work for their share of peace.
***
Someone once said, it’s easy for me to speak of peace, and seek it, because I’m gay. Because I don’t have my own children to think about.
I don’t know whether to cry, or laugh, at that assertion. Firstly, things are not easy for me because I am gay. On the contrary!
And while I don’t have my own children, I have a family that is equally valid, equally heavy.
I still have my mother, and my siblings. And I have a bigger family of people who believe in me. As it happens, most of them are children and students who look up to me as their spiritual father.
So, just to follow that train of thought, let us look at what I did to attain my peace as a gay person.
***
I didn’t come out to my family until I was about 38. So yeah, I was mostly unhappy and not at peace until my mid-30s.
Thinking about it now, I know I could have been happier, and more at peace, sooner if I came out, say in my 20s.
Need I explain why I now encourage people to come out of the closet sooner than later?
Before coming out to my family though, I had to make peace with myself, and my God.
At, 30, after my seminary experience and decades of denial of my sexuality, I finally apologized to my true self for denying an important part of me.
I marked the occasion by losing my virginity at 30. And going on a sexual binge. Taking and giving everything I could give and take.
I blame the binge on my decades of sexual repression. So yeah, I encourage coming out early, and losing your virginity immediately thereafter. If that works!
***
Then, I talked to God. And I cut a deal with God.
I told God, I will try to be a good Christian, and follow “most of the ways” of Christ, if, in return, God will love me no matter what.
I mean, even if, and especially because, I am gay.
So, for my peace of mind, I said goodbye to my religion.
I mean, I still go to church. And I will defend “most of the Catholic teachings”, if the church will not condemn me for being gay.
If the church wants my money, I will give big donations to the church. But on the condition that they will not condemn gay people from the pulpit. If not, I have no problem keeping my own money by myself.
I made a deal with God. I can make another deal with the church.
***
I like attending church when I feel like it. But I no longer feel obliged to go to church.
If the self-righteous churchgoers cannot bear a gay man in attendance, I give them no reason to sin. I just skip church, and do charitable works to the poor and destitute.
So, sometimes, you’ll see, or hear about, me visiting the prisons and hospitals on weekends. Especially on Sundays. Or me, ministering to widows and orphans. Well, I am Christian and Catholic that way.
So, am I really peaceful with myself and my God, and my faith? You bet!
Will it matter to me now if the Catholic Church excommunicates me? I don’t think so.
I think the church will lose something, more than gain anything, if they excommunicate me.
***
Now, what about peace with family and friends?
Well, I’ll answer that next Monday. This is Part One, wait for Part Two./PN
[/av_textblock]
[/av_one_full]
