My life on the road

SINCE this COVID-19 pandemic is not well controlled in the Philippines (what stronger proof is there than my uncle dying in the hospital?), I have been advised to postpone my homecoming.

And of course, I listen.

Because while we have some money, my uncle died in the hospital anyway.

And he was never even transferred to the ICU because there were no available ICU beds.

He was waitlisted #2.

***

Because I’m not coming home to my online boyfriend (and I’m not sure now if we are still on, or he has already moved on), I’ve decided to live my life on the road.

I’m all over the map wherever people will take me every other week, if not every week.

I’m pretty sure that I can go to Philippines if I really want to.

I mean, I could do the expensive quarantines, the safety protocols, but then what?

It is the Philippines. Homeland. Final destination.

***

My braver option is to see the world.

Check off my bucket list.

Spend my money on travel instead of hospital bills.

Again, if I am to die in this pandemic, I will die traveling.

Again, if I get a bad Covid infection, I would like to just disappear in the Bavarian Forest.

Or be lost somewhere in Transylvania.

***

I’m still sore that my uncle died in the hospital after 1.2 M pesos of hospital bills. 

It’s not funny!

Right now, the family is in various DABDA stages of grieving.

Denial — “I can’t believe he’s reduced to just that box (of ashes)!”

Anger — “We should sue the hospital for their poor management of uncle’s case!”

Bargaining — “At least now, he’s with grandma and grandpa in heaven. And he was grandma’s favorite.”

Depression — “I’m calling in sick at work today. I’m using my bereavement leave.”

Acceptance — “Let’s go on a cruise!” 

And you know that the last one is me, right?

***

Actually, the cruise to Mexico was booked in August.

Way before my uncle got sick.

I planned it for myself and a so-called boyfriend.

But then, the so-called boyfriend hasn’t renewed his passport.

My first backup was a former teaching colleague.

And then, the former colleague backed out because he has a newly scheduled important school function he cannot miss.  

It was to be his birthday cruise, but hey…

***

My default back up is my sister.

I thought it was brilliant so we could leisurely talk about her retirement plans.

She plans to retire in five years, and she likes most of my retirement projects so far.

Yesterday, she said, “Maybe we should postpone the cruise in the light of uncle’s death.”

And you could almost guess my reply, “The cruise is precisely what we need to get through this. Cancelling the trip will not bring uncle back. And he would really want us to go.”

***

On the day my uncle died, I was with friends from my university days at UPV.

It was a Bio Sci (or Clovers, as we call ourselves) mini-reunion.

While most of us took Biological Sciences as a pre-Medicine course, a few of us didn’t make it to medical school.

Not because we didn’t pass the NMAT, the medical schools admission test. 

(For the record, I got 94% in the NMAT, and that was the second highest score in our batch.)

Back in 1990, my problem was financial.

***

The mini-reunion was significant because it was all the non-doctors who came: four nurses, and a preschool administrator.

And we were happy.

And we had so much fun.

And I can see that everyone is happy and successful, too.

Our running joke, of course, was that it was the reunion of the rich (my classmates) and famous (me)! Haha.

To keep everything real, they paid for all our dining (rich!), and I famously flirted with all the waiters. Haha.

***

On the day my uncle died, we went sailing in Newport Beach, and the Balboa Island.

We had so much fun.

I had so much fun.

But can you blame me?

Do you think I would ruin a reunion adventure just because someone died in my family?

***

Here’s the thing about me:

In a sense, I don’t look back because I do everything in the present tense.

I love in the present, and I give my all to the present.

I loved my uncle, and I let him know it when we were/are together.

Every time, I love him like it was the last time.

So there are no words left unsaid between us.

I have no effing regrets.

***

In our family group chat on Facebook, I am now reading my family’s regret for not showing uncle all the love while he was alive.

Some say they showed their love only by giving him gifts.

I didn’t give my uncle gifts!

I don’t give people gifts!

And if they don’t receive or perceive my blessings and prayers as my language of love, that’s on them.

I. Have. No. Regrets!

I told my uncle I loved/love him; and we had mutual respect.

***

This is precious:

One day, my uncle criticized a cousin for his “crazy” cosplay.

This cousin likes to dress up in pirate and Renaissance fair costumes.

So I told uncle, “But I also do costumes.”

And uncle said, “Yeah, but you only do it when you go to the Palanca Awards. Your cousin does it everyday, and he looks funny!”/PN