(This is the second part of a suite of four on Peter Solis Nery’s Baby Project, wherein PSN contemplates on the possibility of becoming a father at age 50. Previously, PSN discussed his 40-year resistance to fatherhood.)
BETWEEN TOM CRUISE AND A BABY
I don’t plan on a big 50th birthday party.
I don’t care much for feeding the multitude.
I have a lot of friends all over the world.
And I can’t invite them all.
And if I can’t have everybody, I’d rather not play favorites.
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I can’t just have a party in Iloilo.
Or in Manila. Or Bacolod.
Or L.A., or Baltimore.
But I can’t afford to have parties in Iloilo, and Manila, and Bacolod, and L.A., and Baltimore.
But the orgy with seven people I choose, that’s doable!
I can afford that.
*
But more than the 50th birthday party thoughts, the countdown makes me think of other things.
Like books to release next year.
Books to write in 2019.
And I don’t know where it is coming from, but there’s this fatherhood and baby idea.
What if I became a daddy at 50?
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What if, for a year (okay, a year and a half), I push the Pause button on the automatic No-to-Baby response?
What if I just keep myself open to the possibilities?
To what Life throws at me from now until December 31, 2019.
What if I say Yes to the idea of fathering my own biological child?
*
I think I’m ready for fatherhood.
I can feel it in my heart of hearts that I can still be the greatest father in the world, even if I start at 50.
But I don’t want a wife, let’s be clear about that.
I only want my baby.
*
To put this in perspective, I have decided:
Between a new husband and a baby, I choose a baby.
Between Tom Cruise (or Brad Pitt) marrying me and a baby, I choose Hollywood.
Between a baby and my lifestyle, I’m not giving up my current lifestyle.
I may adjust a little bit if I finally get my baby, but there wouldn’t be drastic changes for the sake of the baby.
*
The baby is not going to change the person that I am.
I cannot promise that I will not be attracted to men anymore when I become a father.
In fact, I think I may want a house husband once I have a baby.
I mean, I can be a better person.
But the child will not undermine what I have been, and what I have been doing, in the last fifty years.
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If the child happens, I will raise his/her to the ideals of being true to his/her calling.
I will raise the child in a loving, accepting, and forgiving environment.
I will raise the child with opportunities to be better than me.
I will raise him/her with attitudes and perspectives that are better than mine.
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I will spare the child of the mistakes my parents did while raising me.
I will educate the child about the mistakes my Ilonggo, and Filipino, culture and upbringing did to me.
I will tell my child of the errors of blind religiosity and overrated patriotism.
I will teach my child about the True God, and True Love, and the Love of Life.
*
So, yeah. I’m pretty ready to be a father.
But I’m not desperate.
I’m not about to go out on a limb just to have a baby.
I’ve considered paying for a surrogate mother.
But I’m not spending much for this.
I’m not making a million-peso baby.
I’m not willing to give up much for a chance to have a baby.
*
I want a baby.
But I don’t want it badly.
I don’t know if that makes sense.
I don’t know if the idea of opening myself to possibilities makes great sense.
But it’s just that.
I’m opening myself up to the possibility of being a father.
I’m saying Yes to the idea of being a father at 50.
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But I’m setting my deadline.
If I don’t become a father by December 31, 2019, before I turn 51, I’ll be fine.
And I’ll be done with this fatherhood idea.
I can die without regrets.
I cannot have misgivings on my deathbed thinking, What if I said Yes to fatherhood?
*
I think my great take away for life and living is this: It is not so much about getting what you want, but only in opening yourself to possibilities.
Giving life a 50-50 chance.
How will I know if I don’t even want to try?
I think that’s the responsible and mature thing to think at age 50.
*
I’ve seen what a million pesos can do.
It gave me The Peter Solis Nery Foundation for Hiligaynon Literature and the Arts, Inc.
And I’m proud of that—“my baby”.
I’ve also seen children dumped in the garbage. Okay, more like street sidewalk.
I’ve also seen friends spending thousands of dollars at fertility clinics.
I’ve seen it all, so I know what I’m talking about.
And I know what I like, so I know what I’m talking about. (To be continued)/PN
