Politics, anyone?

IF YOU ARE in a hurry to get rich, there are but two certain ways: 1. establish a religion; 2. enter politics

Forget No. 1. There are too many Pastor QUIBUG-OYS with appointments from God and religious hilots…I mean, zealots curing the faithful without License to Practice Medicine.

Surprisingly, those who have heavy burdens on their hearts and souls have become lighter…in their pockets, that is.

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Now, the field of politics is a more fertile incursion. It does not even require a college degree or any amount of expertise or experience in thievery…ah, technology.

Popularity is the norm because the winner is him who has garnered the largest number of votes. Lest you forget, money is also important in the exercise.

There are many unwritten ground rules every aspiring politician should master. Prepare for bad smell because you will be hugging and kissing the sweating unwashed and their children with running noses; and house-to-house campaigning in roadless places with no electricity, running water and toilets. You may have calloused feet and hands with all the walking and shaking hands.

Remember that one vote from a tubâ gatherer is equal to one vote from a condo owner.

Harden and concrete your heart because you will be hearing many sad and sob stories of personal tragedy, all designed to solicit money from you. If you are good at it, try to act deaf.

Wear ragged clothes when campaigning without any pockets and cash in it. But then, you might lose the elections.

Bear in mind that voters are like poultry. If you don’t feed them, they won’t lay eggs.

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Another ability which is a must for every prevaricator…I mean, politician is good at public speaking. You must have a well-modulated voice; memorize scandals of the day; mesmerize the crowd with oratory you do not even understand; learn to sing songs that appeal to the masses like “PROBINSYAL  JAIL” or “JEPROKS”; dance if you know how; make a fool of yourself on stage to make the crowd roar with laughter; they won’t vote for you anyway…they’re only there for the money.

Of course, they’ll laugh at your jokes and applaud your antics but they’ll only vote for what’s inside the envelope.

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If you have a bit of decency in you, you shouldn’t be in politics. What was once your semi-clean image will definitely turn dark chocolate.

And you will change in many ways, thoughts and deeds, for the worse; that is what money and power can do.  Once you’ve become a pollutician…politician, strangely, you can tell a lie smiling, or promise to build roads and bridges for your mother-in-law.

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Public office, nowadays, is treated akin to hereditary property. Have you noticed that once a crocodile…ah, congressman’s term is over, his son or wife or daughter or a relative to the third degree takes over and runs for the vacated office?

After serving for several decades and dispensing public funds for political favors, the machinery is difficult to overwhelm. So, the kingpin hibernates for a while and reclaims his throne next election; gets re-elected and so on for ages.

In our noble city, what was once joined together, the brothers-in-law are slugging it out; a free-for-all splitting the city kagawads who hope they pick the winning side.

In a nearby district, the Patriarch is challenged by his son and daughter-in-law. At least, whoever wins, political power remains in the family.

Elsewhere, there was a Grandfather versus his Grandson. And Husband versus Wife election. Hmmm. It takes all kinds but this is not new for all is unfair in politics. (muzones_law_office@yahoo.com/PN)