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RAMBLINGS OF THE UNMARRIED | Mission: Perfection
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Thursday, May 11, 2017
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“There would be no need for love if perfection were possible. Love arises from our imperfection, from our being different and always in need of the forgiveness, encouragement and that missing half of ourselves that we are searching for, as the Greek myth tells us, in order to complete ourselves.” – Eugene Kennedy
NO TWO people in this world is ever the same – as to genetic makeup, mindset or point of view – perhaps the same in one aspect but never in the entirety of both. Because of this there would always be conflict between people, especially between those in a relationship.
Occasional conflict is a part of life, according to New York-based psychologist Susan Silverman. But if you and your partner feel like you’re staring in your own nightmare version of the movie Groundhog Day – meaning, the same lousy situations keep repeating day after day – it’s time to break free from this toxic routine.
When you make the effort, you can lessen the anger and take a calm look at underlying issues. You and your partner can learn to argue in a more civil, helpful manner, Silverman says. Make these strategies part of who you are in this relationship.
Realize you are not a victim. It is your choice – whether you react or not, and how you react.
Be honest with yourself. When you’re in the midst of an argument, are your comments geared toward resolving the conflict, or are you looking for payback? If your comments are blaming and hurtful, it’s best to take a deep breath and change your strategy.
Change it up. If you continue to respond in the way that’s brought you pain and unhappiness in the past, you can’t expect a different result this time. Just one little shift can make a big difference. If you usually jump right in to defend yourself before your partner is finished speaking, hold off for a few moments. You’ll be surprised at how such a small shift in tempo can change the whole tone of an argument.
Give a little; get a lot. Apologize when you’re wrong. Sure it’s tough, but just try it and watch something wonderful happen.
“You can’t control anyone else’s behavior,” Silverman says. “The only one in your charge is you.”
Sometimes the problem is not so much what the conflict is about, but on how one deals with the conflict as contrary to how the other deals with the same.
I remember trying to resolve a conflict with someone who did not like discussing the conflict or denied there was a conflict. If so, take it at face value. Respect their space. Sooner or later it shall emerge and when it does, deal with conflict in the manner Silverman has said.
The husband and wife are obliged to observe mutual love, respect and fidelity under Article 68 of the Family Code. The obligation imposes both spouses to love the other even when conflicts arise. Respect each other even if conflicts arise. And most importantly, stay loyal even if conflicts arise.
Never use the conflict as a reason to roam around and seek greener pastures. It will not resolve the current conflict; it will only add up to the existing conflict.
Nothing is ever perfect. Most of the time we feel this certain chaos when we are in a relationship. But, we come into a relationship or marriage not believing it to be perfect but simply to find love and peace despite the imperfections. (gordon.qg@hotmail.com/PN)
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