I HAVE been contemplating to write about this topic for some time now because it’s becoming real to me. This is a life phase we can’t simply run away from.
Many parents – whether you are a single parent or a couple – feel the grief when their children leave home. This grief is called the empty nest syndrome.
According to Maggie Wooll in her article, Empty nest syndrome: How to cope when kids fly the coop, “While it isn’t a clinical diagnosis, it is a common phenomenon in which parents experience sadness and loneliness.” Parents grieve “the loss of a lifestyle and relationship that was part of their identity” and this entirely new phase results in loneliness.
I must emphasize the “loss of a lifestyle and relationship that was part of their identity” because this is so true. The change, sudden or gradual, will create an impact, even havoc on your psyche and well-being because the structure and routine will now cease to exist.
Loneliness is truly a bane to man’s existence. But there’s no avoiding it. It happens at certain life phases. I wish it were easier, but it isn’t.
Picking from Wooll’s article, “Empty nest syndrome is the sadness or emotional turmoil that parents grapple with in the wake of their children growing up and moving out of their family home. ‘Nest’ refers to the popular saying that children ‘spread their wings’ when they grow up and move on.”
What feelings does it stir? Mixed feelings of “anxiety, excitement, relief, and sadness.” And when emotions are mixed, they are more stressful and more complicated to manage. It’s the paradox of being happy and proud to see your child turning into an independent adult and worrying about her well-being while grieving the closeness that came with living together.
This is no paradox though: It’s still separation, and any separation is painful. You still grieve over the termination of closeness just like any relationship.
Symptoms of empty nest syndrome
Wooll identifies the following common symptoms:
* Loneliness – When your child no longer lives with you, you may feel overwhelmingly alone. I have spoken to some parents and they confirm the loneliness of seeing their children leave one by one.
* Emotional distress – I think everybody who’s an empty nester can relate with the emotional rollercoaster ride. It’s a tug between being lonesome one minute, and the next, you are anticipating the stuff you can do with your newfound space and freedom.
* Loss of purpose – Stay-at-home parents especially feel this. Wooll posited, “When you no longer see your kids daily, it can leave an enormous vacuum. This void, or sense of nothingness, may cause you to feel as if you are lacking in purpose.”
* Fear of a lack of control – When your kids are no longer with you, it also follows that your control over them is severed. You can’t monitor their activities and whereabouts. “This can feel like a great loss of control for many parents.”
* Worry and anxiety about what’s happening to your kid.
* Depression – “There is a deep sense of grief and sadness that comes with learning to love them from a distance.”
How long does empty nest syndrome last?
Each parent will have “a distinct experience of empty nest syndrome. It may only last a few weeks for some, while it may persist for years for others.” Hopefully, we don’t belong to the latter.
Wooll explained, “One survey found that it takes parents an average of three months to get used to an empty house.” She reassured that everyone has “their own timeline for processing loss and adapting to a change of life stage or change in lifestyle.”
So, there is no need to “time-pressure ourselves into a state of false emotional well-being” just to meet the expectations of people, may I add. They don’t live your life.
Three stages of empty nest syndrome
According to Carin Rubenstein’s widely renowned book, Beyond the Mommy Years, there are three stages of empty nest syndrome:
* Grief – You are likely to feel overcome by feelings of sadness and loss when your child first leaves home which could drive you to withdraw from the world for some time as you try to deal with the immense change taking place in your life.
* Relief – You may find yourself relishing your newfound freedom after a few months.
* Joy – Once you have ridden the roller-coaster of sadness, reprieve, and freedom, you should reach the stage of joy. (To be continued)
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The writer hosts Woman Talk with Belinda Sales at 91.1 Balita FM Tagbilaran City every Saturday, 4 p.m. to 5 p.m. She can be reached at Belindabelsales@gmail.com. Twitter @ShilohRuthie/PN
