BY EDISON MARTE SICAD
“The hardest choices require the strongest wills.”—Thanos
THE MORE years we have been living, the more time we have been spending looking back. The future — which seemed brighter, more exciting, and more hopeful to look forward to — becomes our daily present struggle, reminding us that adulthood has become a serious living of practical matters. Our thoughts, our very memories, drag us into regret, anxiety, or habitual worry. There is this heaviness in waking up, uncertainty in moving on, and uneasiness in fighting back.
The more birthdays we celebrate, the less birthdays we will have in the future. But instead of appreciating such reality, we got used to it; we got used to everyday experiences; we got used to our own humdrum, mundane existence.
Adulthood means we have to work on our dreams. We realize that the excitement of living — or plain existence itself — has a price tag. No matter what others say that happiness is not all about money — that even the rich have problems — I still believe that having the money makes life worth living—and sharing. The bills have to be paid. Responsibilities have to be met. Occasions have to be celebrated. Living is all about spending. And not having the means of living make life stressful — or death a practical option.
Some may argue that money is not that important when it comes to honest living. But to live life with no financial means is a tragic story in the making, and troublesome to others. A person who has money problems becomes a problem to others.
I am highlighting the issue about money because, as we get older, the lack of financial stability can be the result of a lack of responsibility — or I may say, the lack of know-how into the real world of living. And 2023 has reminded me of such lapses on my part.
My 2023 reflections:
1. What (really) is my priority?
I tend to allocate my time with varied pursuits. So many starts with very few finished outputs. I easily lose interest. When the excitement is no longer there, my energy lessens, mental effort diminishes, and the worth of the goal disappears. I lack the staying power to persevere.
I seek inspiration like a beggar. I scavenge for quotes and stories to restart my activities. In a sense, I am poor in spirit.
2. How do I let go?
More clothes not worn. Less interactions with relatives and loved ones. Old habits governing my life. New problems that could have been avoided.
I have come to know about the Dark Side Personality traits and brush them aside as nothing; fit only for criminals and to those who have totally lost it. But for the past couple of years, I am having this awareness that such traits could be in everyone, only latent to some of us.
And it seems like it’s manifesting in me as the years pass by. What if we are more of a villain than a hero? Will self-acceptance of our own deviance guide us into the path we are meant to travel?
3. Why is the past pestering me?
I am referring here to old habits that derail my momentum. At this stage of my life, I no longer have a new list of New Year’s Resolutions. I just go back to what I had written years back.
I would spend another year (again) with the same unfulfilled backlogs. Regret would come into the picture. But year-end celebrations would rekindle my hope and determination. Then, as I go over my (backlog) New Year’s Resolutions, guilt would overwhelm me. And when I ask myself why I wasn’t able to fulfill my last year’s goals, the same excuses would become obvious. My life is a roller-coaster of repeated disappointments.
But I am an optimist. I never give up. In fact, I rationalize my shortcomings. I see life as a lifelong learning opportunity.
I can choose to stay the same. I can choose to start anew. Anytime. Any moment. Lastly, I learned that self-worth is more important than social validation. For envy lurks in social media activities.
Psychologist: “Excessive social media exposure can affect mental stability.”
Me: “I must post these defining moments of my life. They just have to know how happy and successful I have become!”/PN
