BY AIZA DELA CRUZ
“EDUCATION without values, as useful as it is, seems rather to make man a more clever devil,” said “The Chronicles of Narnia” author C.S. Lewis.
I need to teach my son values at a young age because I believe that it will help him to have more respect for himself, for other people, and other things around him. It will help him develop his moral compass to judge what is right and wrong and make the best decisions for himself.
My son is autistic and abstract concepts like values are harder for him to understand. Thus, I greatly saw the need that I have to instill in him values that will help him as he grows older. It is also important as we live in a world governed by laws and rules, and it is my earnest desire that my son will be able to adapt to this typical world.
Even before my son was diagnosed, I was already teaching my son values. I did not teach him the words or the concepts of the values. What I taught him were the acts of these values. All children cannot fully grasp abstract notions as they are mostly governed by their primal instincts – they are hungry, they eat; they are sleepy, they sleep; they are afraid, they run away or cry. The only way to teach them is thru actions which they can see and imitate.
Respect
The very first thing I taught my son and still teaching him is respect. The act of calling us his parents as “mama” and “papa” is already an act of respect. Whenever we go to his grandparents’ house, I greet the people there first and ask him to do the same, to imitate what I do. There should also be a proper way to greet. I ask him to stand still in front of his grandparents and greet them. It is the same when we say our goodbyes. I make him do the same with his teachers and other people.
When we are in another place and something interests him and picks it up, I tell him to put it back because it is not his and he has to ask permission first. I then do the act of asking permission which he can imitate. Even in our house, I am strict about this. He cannot just pick up my things. He needs to ask for permission. When he wants some juice, although he knows how to get some himself, he always asks from us first, then we tell him that he can get it from the fridge. This is teaching without telling him, that he has to respect other people, their belongings, and their personal space.
This is one way of teaching my son that there is ownership in this world, that not everything he can see and hold is his. This also helps in controlling his impulses.
Self-discipline
Being autistic, my son has it harder when it comes to controlling his impulses. For example, he cannot understand the reason why he cannot have a cookie when it is right in front of him. It is also tough for him to control his emotions. Thus, self-discipline was hard to develop. As with all other things, consistency is the key.
Self-discipline was helpful when we were developing his self-care skills as it involved recognizing the signs when you need to go to the toilet, suppressing the immediate need for release until arriving at the toilet, and being consistent in following the instructions of toileting. My son took two weeks to learn to pee by himself and about two months to be fully toilet trained. Now, he can hold his pee and poop and wait to go to the toilet.
He is also better at handling his emotions – holding back his tears when I reprimand him and facing his fear of loud whirring sounds like the blender by pushing the buttons himself when we make fruit shakes. He is better at waiting when we tell him to sit down and wait for his turn or wait for the food. No more crying at the take-out counter or drive-thru because he knows that he has to wait for his turn.
Obedience
My son’s impulses to do whatever he feels and wants can sometimes be seen as stubbornness. Some people may see it as defiant behavior. He knows what he wants and he is quite persistent with what he wants to do.
As a child, there are some things he can and cannot do. It is important to put limitations on his actions and activities. He can’t just eat all the cookies in the cookie jar just because he wants to. This is where my authority as his mother comes in. I have to teach him to obey my authority even though I am not there guarding the cookie jar. He has to ask permission first, follow the limit imposed on the cookies that he could eat, and obey me if I tell him not to get anymore cookies.
This was hard because I have to deal with the endless “whys”, crying, and whining but being firm and consistent helped me. He understood that “no” means “no”. We had a lot of repeated talks on dos and don’ts, and consequences of actions. I have to explain everything to him because he asks for reasons as to why he can’t do a particular thing. I can’t just pull out the “because I’m your mother” card, although I admit I had done it when I was exasperated. The obedience that I am aiming for is not obeisance because I am his mother, but I want him to obey the rules. I cannot always be there to police him. He needs to be able to follow rules and remember them well.
Patience is indeed a virtue when my son and I have our talks and teaching moments. We both have to repeatedly and consistently listen to each other and adjust our behaviors based on a set of rules. For better implementation, I involve my son when it comes to rule-making, such as how many cookies he can eat, how long he can bathe, or when he can go to sleep. Involving him is my way of teaching him responsibility. Values are interconnected, so when I teach him about self-discipline, I am also teaching him patience, responsibility, and independence. Teaching does not only involve words but actions. Actions speak louder than words.
I enjoin everyone to have more compassion and understanding for all children with different abilities.
I would also like to hear the experiences of other parents who have children on the autism spectrum. You may email me at genevieveaiza.delacruz@gmail.com. I am a member of the Autism Society Philippines (ASP), a national non-profit organization dedicated to the well-being of persons on autism spectrum disorder./PN
