THIS IS officially the start of my hodgepodge column experiment, version 2021.
I mean, sure, I’ve always written randomly about random things.
But this one, I’m making official.
I’m announcing it so that I’ll be committed to it.
Because I am like that.
I follow up on what I say.
I always have the compulsion to substantiate what I say.
***
Got vaccine, will travel.
That’s because America, and most of the developed countries of the world, have somehow managed the curve, and achieved some sort of herd immunity.
Or it could just be America.
So there!
***
Coffee is found beneficial. Again.
Black coffee is most healthy.
Despite its bitter taste.
Creamer, and sugar increase caloric intake. Obviously.
***
For most people, bitter is a bad taste.
But some people think, if it tastes bad (like medicine, I guess), it is good for you.
Corollary to that, if it smells bad, is it good for you?
I mean, like how farts supposedly cure cancer?
***
I like to write in farting characters in my stories.
Like the act of passing flatus makes them more human.
Imagine how the world would be if people can just imagine Jesus farting!
***
I don’t have many fart or farting jokes.
But during the pandemic (and I’m saying this in a past tense sense because I’m fully vaccinated, and have been traveling again for a while now), I have ministered to various people with my humor.
And it was common for me to hear them say they’ve been peeing a bit, and farting a little, when they laugh out loud to my punchlines.
***
Uncontrolled peeing, and farting from too much laughing could be revelatory of age.
Do we really lose much bladder and sphincter control, after 50?
Which is to say, the audience for my online comedy specials are my high school and college classmates; and my teachers or colleagues, who have become my good friends.
***
Online, I use sarcasm a lot.
But you also saw that in most of my articles appearing in this column.
Sarcasm is an intellectual pursuit.
Those who can’t understand it are either poor, constipated, or illiterate.
***
I don’t really understand the very thin line between sarcasm and insult.
I don’t ever insult people… unprovoked.
I may be sarcastic, but I seldom insult people.
Because nobody ever recovers from my insults!
If I call you a brainless paramecium, you are going to Google ‘paramecium’, and you will be a brainless paramecium for life!
***
As far as I am concerned, sarcasm is just colorful language.
My speciality, my forte.
Now, if you take my sarcasm as an insult, same on you!
Because somebody said that sarcasm is the easiest way to insult idiots.
***
I don’t hate people who don’t want to get vaccinated.
I just hate the anti-vaxxers who go out of their way to tell (‘scare’ is the word that comes to mind) others not to get the jab.
If they get their dogs vaccinated to prevent the spread of rabies, how are they better than their dogs?
***
A Filipino who wasn’t fully vaccinated as a child is either dead, or totally hideous.
In gay lingo, “kulang sa vacuna” means ugly.
They who are beautiful, they are “completo sa vacuna.”
***
Some ignorant people are confused, perplexed, when I use Spanish spelling in my Filipino or Hiligaynon.
My argument, Why the hell did we expand our alphabet to 28 letters if we can’t spell ‘vacuna’ correctly?
There is nothing beautiful or sexy in ‘bakuna’.
The word reinforces the idea that Hiligaynon (and Filipino, for that matter) is a ‘bakya’, provincial (in a derogatory sense), and dumb language.
***
Can we really have an illiterate language?
I think so.
If the spellings are dumbed down all the time, doesn’t it make the people dumb?
If the people are dumb, isn’t their language dumb?
Bolpen for ball pen.
Selpun for cell phone.
Gobermen for government.
I’m sorry, I just don’t buy these.
And I have money to buy anything I want!/PN
