One day, you will meet me.
And you will forever remember me
By the taste of my tongue.
─ Peter Solis Nery, Poet
*
I’M STILL attracted to pretty boys.
And in my town, there are plenty of pretty boys.
But it is either they also like pretty boys around their age, or they have been marked (owned, if you will) by the gay people of my town.
*
I do not compete with the gay people of my town.
Nor do I want to dip my happy meal in the common sauce.
Sorry, I’m having difficulties translating “makisawsaw sa sawsawan ng bayan.”
*
Because I am just a vacationing balikbayan, I can only scan the pretty boys that pass through my lenses.
The certified heartthrobs are certified by the town’s gay people.
And even if they probably don’t know it, these heartthrobs are already marked by the town’s gay people.
*
I think I’ve crushed on five local boys since I arrived in August.
At least three of them have flirted with me.
But when I asked around about these three, I was told they are already owned by some of the most notorious gay people in my town.
Or, at least, previously owned.
*
I’m not looking for virgins.
But I don’t like people with complicated sexual histories either.
Some boys think it is over with their gay lovers.
But their gay lovers still think they own their past lover boys.
It is very, very complicated.
*
So, even if the boys flirt with me, it is often hard for me to flirt back.
I am just a vacationing balikbayan, and I do not want to turn the town upside down by dipping into the common public sauce.
*
There is this boy that I really liked.
I have given him the eye so many times.
And he has eyed me back once.
Or twice.
*
Then, one day, I met him at a gay friend’s party.
And my friend called him to his side.
And they talked about school allowance.
And my heart broke.
*
My gay friend disappeared into his room.
The boy followed him.
Forgive me, but I timed their disappearance.
I watched the door.
And the boy came out exhausted.
*
The boy didn’t stay long for the party.
He didn’t even say goodbye to anyone else.
I watched him head out for the streets.
My friend came out of his room smiling.
How much was the smile?
*
Somebody asked the question.
And my friend replied, “One hundred on a regular day; and three hundred for a gala performance.”
I swallowed hard.
I only had seven thousand pesos in my wallet at that time!
*
There is this other boy who was so bold to kiss me in the dark.
I’m sorry I kissed him back.
I mean, I’m not really sorry because he kissed me rather well.
And I made sure I returned the favor.
*
I’m only sorry because the very next day, somebody told me that he is somebody else’s lover boy.
And this somebody is a big fan of mine.
Now, I am not a kiss and tell.
(Well, maybe I am now just by doing this. But I’m not dropping names, am I?)
Anyway, as far as my heart can tell, I am not a kiss and tell.
My heart, of course, can err.
*
Still, I am consumed by guilt.
How can I kiss my poor fan’s lover boy?
So, the next time I kissed the boy, I asked him.
Of course, he denied being lover with my big fan.
It didn’t make it right.
But his slow kiss did.
*
Then, I saw my fan.
I do not know if he knew.
But if he has gaydar intelligence, or some sort of intelligence, he probably did.
I didn’t know if he was overcompensating.
But he was flirting with another cute guy who flirted with me a few days back.
*
It’s really complicated.
It’s hard for me to be guilty for very long.
And I think that is why I’m writing this piece.
For my peace and sanity.
For my expiation.
For my absolution.
*
I’ve started to forget the faces of these boys.
But I remember their kisses very well. (500tinaga@gmail.com/PN)
