I AM out to prove how tuba is good for our health.
Since my arrival in my hometown of Dumangas in the beginning of the month, I have been having my daily doses of tuba drinking, morning and evening.
I usually consume just a “bol” — a unit of measure that’s about 750ml, or two glasses.
It’s based on the American Ball Candy jars (“Ball” became “bol”) that were used as measuring standard after the second world war.
***
My research is pretty much recorded on my Facebook account.
But the pictures of me, and my tuba drinking, can get pretty tiring.
There’s always my big, beautiful smiles, which are my default look when I see a camera pointed at me — tuba inebriated, or not.
***
I was told tuba can give me the runs.
It did not.
All I get is being gassy.
It’s crazy, but I like it.
And I like that may anal sphincter is very well intact.
I’m proud of my big loud, convoluted farts.
I mean, most gays my age, they don’t fart as musically.
In fact, they don’t fart at all.
The sound coming from their asses says, Pwah!
Mine sounds more like, Purrrrrroooooooot-prut-purrrrurrroooot-ut-ut-ut.
I don’t find that funny.
I find it comforting.
***
I got fans for my tuba drinking cheering me online, and on land.
I run-walk a kilometer to get to the tuba place.
There’s no more tuba sold in the public market which is a stone’s throw away from my house.
The coconut harvesters can’t afford the transport of their products.
So, I go to their houses.
They get the tuba from the coconuts around their house.
***
I walk-run back the kilometer, so that’s two kilometers walking/running exercise to get my morning “bol” of tuba.
In the afternoon, I’ll run-walk the same distance for another “bol”.
So, that’s a minimum of four-kilometer walk-run for me everyday.
***
On the weekend of August 12, 13, and 14, I missed my tuba because I travelled to Roxas City.
Blame it on the rich seafood and plenty of delicious dishes in Roxas, but I promptly had a gout attack.
I mean, I knew I was getting an attack from what I was putting on my plate.
But who can refuse the culinary delights in Roxas City?
***
Now, I can point the blame (and stand my ground) because at least two other people in my party had gout attacks, too!
And the only two things we had in common are history of gout, and the meals we ate together.
***
Upon my return to Dumangas, I promptly returned to my tuba drinking.
And though this is an early report, I am happy to share that I only had my gout attack for a day.
I mean, from the way I first felt the attack on Sunday, I was afraid it was going to stay for about three days.
I restarted my tuba on Monday morning, continued it on Monday evening, and by Tuesday morning, I was running to my tuba appointment.
***
Tuba is not very popular in Dumangas nowadays.
Most of the manangguite or tuba harvesters are dead.
The few remaining ones are disheartened.
I mean, tuba production can hardly be considered as their livelihood.
And given this, how many of their children would want to keep the manangguite tradition?
***
The tuba drinkers are also getting less.
If they’re not dying of old age, they’re probably going to whiskey, rum, or beer drinking.
Which brings me to an important point: I do not drink tuba to get drunk.
I’m taking it to prove its health benefits.
Its role as an important probiotic.
That’s why I limit my intake to 2 bols a day.
***
Sure, I feel 2 bols is a little excessive.
But I can afford P40 a day! (It’s P20 a bol, okay?)
But mine for now is a sped up research.
I want to see results in 28 days.
After which, I will try to see what a bol a day can do.
In fact, I see myself taking a bol of tuba with a raw native chicken egg beaten into it for breakfast.
***
Concurrent with my tuba experiment is my compulsion to take a selfie everyday, and post it on social media.
So far, I’m told that I look much younger, and happier than I was months earlier.
Well, I blame the Philippine climate for that.
I like sweating in our oppressive heat.
And the months back were stressful as I was traveling the world.
***
But who can say that it’s not the tuba doing my youthful face?
I’m happy with the alcohol in tuba.
I feel that it is also keeping me a COVID virgin.
Alcohol-sanitized. Haha.
***
I have yet to be licked good.
But so far, I got people telling me I smell so sweet they could lick me.
I give them tuba to drink instead. Haha!/PN
