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BY PETER SOLIS NERY
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Friday, September 1, 2017
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THIS IS AN invitation for you to join me in my stand up performance on Wednesday, Sept. 6 at Troi Oi, the Vietnamese Restaurant at the Riverside Boardwalk on the side of Medicus Hospital.
The show is called āMy Life as Art: Peter Solis Neryā¦ Live at Troi Oiā, and it will start at 8 p.m. Iād like to say āpromptly at 8 p.m.ā but this is Iloilo, and this is the Philippines. And most of you cannot afford a taxi ride. Pedestrians!
I hope Medicus Hospital has empty beds on the night of the show because, well, Iām known to cause heart attacks, and occasional priapism.
I know I am funny, but the Ilonggo mahngelsĀ (thatās manguĀ and manul, for you) cannot get my humor even if it is stuck up their ass.
I mean, I also know that if you are smart, youāll be in my show.
And then again, I might be presuming too much about your intelligence. So, letās just wait and see. You have been invited.
You can decide to be mahngels, and just decide not to come.
Or, maybe you donāt have health insurance, and canāt afford Medicus.
Or, maybe your health insurance does not cover priapism secondary to a Peter Solis Nery show.
You can have plenty of reasons to miss the show. But miss it at your own stupidity.
The show is, I repeat, free. You just have to pay for your food and/or drinks.
If you donāt have a car, and donāt have cab fare money, start walkingā¦ now!
I will not be coy about it. I will talk about sex during my show.
I will talk about your lack of sex, and your consequent lack of humor. Why you are constipated and uptight. Why you are always in a bad mood. Why you are cranky with your colleagues, your co-teachers, and students.
I will talk why lack of sex is unhealthy, and depressing.
Or, how to deal with your daily sex requirement after a break up. Or after 25 years of being married to the same person.
Daily sex requirement? Yes, if you donāt know there is such a thing, you must come to my show!
I will tell you where to get sex in Iloilo. Where to get STDs. Where to get free sex.
But this will be given in installments. In the beginning of the show (so be sure you come promptly at 8 p.m.), and at the end (so be sure you stay for the finale, whatever time that is).
I will teach you how to protect yourself. I will probably even demonstrate the oral swab HIV testing.
Yes, it is puncture blooddrop-free!
Iām not promising it, and Iām only saying āprobablyā because the thing is expensive, and why use my limited supply if thereās no big reason. Or no promise of getting laid on that night?
But, I promise, I will bring test kits and condoms with me. I will show you things never shown in stand up concerts before.
Because I am Peter Solis Nery. And I am a true original.
I established my reputation as a sex guru, and sex columnist extraordinaire, in the Ilonggo newspapers when I started writing in September Y2K.
Damn! Thatās 17 (!) years ago.
Remember the now defunct The News Today?Ā It was also called TNT because I was, as a columnist, explosive.
Remember who taught you how to do a proper Monica Lewinsky? And you were not even a White House intern.
You were never an intern, nor been to the White House, period! But I taught you how to do it right. Remember the asparagus trick?
I donāt think anybody has dared to challenge my reputation as the ultimate sex guru on the West Visayan newspaper page. I mean, nobody has even tried.
I guess, because nobody can talk sexy smart, and smart sexy, like me in these parts of the Pacific.
I mean, nobody has bigger balls than I. Or Kama Sutra brains for that matter.
Probably, no other Ilonggo knows there are 42 types of kisses in the Kama Sutra. 44, for the gay Kama Sutra.
And allowing for cultural correction, 45 for Filipinos/Ilonggos.
I doubt there are other Ilonggos who had sex in a box like a pit of snakes. Unless I initiated it! Come to my show, and Iāll showā¦ I mean, Iāll describe it to you.
Or who knows, maybe Iāll demonstrate it with a willing audience volunteer. Haha!
I donāt think the Ilonggo people know as much about sex as I do. I mean, they may have more sex, or even adulterous sexual activities, but I doubt if anybody is more learned, more scholarly than I on these matters. Or, as articulate and funny.
Donāt fool yourself believing that you give the best blowjobs in the world only because your boyfriend said so. I mean, did he even try mine?
I also mean that before you can make the claim, donāt you think I should try your oral masterpractice first?
Do you really know how to pleasure a man? A gay man? A bisexual man? A spiritual man? A woman? A lesbian? A transgender? A man who has seen it all (well, almost all, I stopped at the donkey!)ā¦ like Peter Solis Nery?
No, donāt ask me now if I have experienced all of the above. Come to the show.
If you are good, I might tell you.
If you order enough drinks, I might tell you. But I will definitely not tell you here.
Nor at the beginning of my show.
I might tell you in the middle of my performance, but I guess you have to be there and stay to catch it.
What I will not neglect to tell you during the show though is about HIV.
Last week, Panay NewsĀ carried the headline āHIV spreads in WV.ā The statistic is making me angry: āOne person infected every 12 hours according to DOH.ā
Hello? As in, Hello, morons! Hello, mahngels!
Itchy? Talk to me first.
Curious? Talk to me first.
Addicted? Talk to me. Just talk to me!
Sex-starved? Talk to me.
Just plain promiscuous? Talk to me.
Donāt flatter yourself. Just because you talk to me doesnāt mean I will immediately have sex with you!
No! Although I enjoy sex more if I have an emotional connection with my sexual partners (yes, thatās what it means when I say Iām a demi-sexual), and I am often emotionally attracted to the people who make friends, or show me even the littlest attention, I am not the cougar type who will jump upon you.
Cougar, if you are a teenager, I guess.
Panther, if you are my age?
In July 2015, when I first volunteered to be the poster boy of HIV testing in Western Visayas, the rate of HIV infection in the region (but mostly in Iloilo and Bacolod) was two people three days.
DOH, correct me if Iām wrong with such number. Better yet, come to my show. I will joke about it, and I will teach you how to use humor, and an effective campaign to combat the HIV and AIDS menace in our young Ilonggo population.
If you also do not know, I will tell you why HIV is spreading so fast in this City of Love.
Last year, the statistic was horrifying: one person infected every 30 minutes.
At the beginning of this year: one person infected every 15 minutes.
Last month: one person infected every 12 minutes!
DOH, donāt you think you should stop your freaking red tape, and enlist me in this war against HIV and AIDS?
I mean, do you know where exactly the gay sex orgies happen in Western Visayas?
I mean, if I know where the dangerous sex happens, and you donāt, donāt you think you should talk to me?
Oh, but since you are so busy helping the general population during office hours, Iām giving you a chance to talk to me. Come to my show.
Troi Oi, Sept. 6, Wednesday, 8 p.m. Bring money for your food and drinks. The show is free! What can I say? HIV testing and AIDS awareness is my advocacy! (500tinaga@gmail.com/PN)
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