SERIOUSLY, who do I hurt when I say “I love you”?
Can we pipe in the song “I Never Promised You a Rose Garden” here?
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When I got married, I made it a point to say I love you often.
To my husband, and to the world in general.
Because I was in a monogamous relationship, I thought it would be safe to say I love you to anybody.
That they would understand that I love them—as opposed to just lust after them.
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My late husband was a jealous guy.
But he adjusted to my hugging and kissing (even random) people.
I told him, the only reason he can blow his top is when I put my tongue in another person’s mouth, or when someone’s dick is up my ass.
(Because after all, I’m a top. Versatile top, but top just the same.)
So if you can believe it, I actually turned down a few offers to do porn because my husband was a jealous guy.
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When my husband died, I made it a point to even more say I love you to everyone, even to strangers.
I mean, I realized that Life is pretty short.
And I want to be a channel of Love.
I know it sounds crazy, but I actually felt beautiful doing that.
I gave “love”, and I felt the world gave back love to me.
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So yeah, it didn’t hurt that saying I love you also endeared me to a few people who were cynical of love.
To be honest, it made my Grindr hookups even more meaningful.
And I’m even prouder that some of my Grindr hookups turned out to be good friends because they knew I was capable of great love.
And of actually substantiating the I love yous that I readily dispense in our conversations.
I am capable of loving, period!
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So, who do I hurt when I say I love you?
Recently, somebody called me “paasa” or someone who raises expectations and lets them down.
Someone who leads them on, only to frustrate them.
Can we pipe in “Build Me Up Buttercup” here?
And I’m thinking, I am definitely not that!
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When I say I love you, I mean it.
And if you take it as a romantic invitation, I am open to the possibility of a romance.
I mean, I am widowed. And very much available.
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But you have to understand that at my age, I would rather be with someone I can be sexually active with.
Why be in a romantic relationship with someone if you can’t have sex with them?
And so, if I say I love you, and you dream of being with me, then, sex we must try.
We must explore our sexual compatibility before we commit to a relationship.
I am not a dalagang Filipina of the past centuries; I’m a 21st century gay man in my fifties!
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What happens after we have sex, and we aren’t sexually compatible?
Or if I had sex with you, and I didn’t like the taste of your tongue?
Well, I just can’t commit to you. And that’s that!
It doesn’t mean that I do not or cannot love you.
It’s just that my life is too short to be lived miserably with someone I can’t kiss 24/7.
I can still love you, but not in the romantic way that you imagine.
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Am I leading people on when I tell them I love them?
Maybe.
But people have to think, too.
I mean, if I say I love you to a girl, does that mean I want to marry that girl?
Maybe not!
Am I not openly gay?
I mean, I’m only bisexual in the sense that I have no problem getting an erection and having sex with a girl.
In which case, can I claim Versa Homo—in the sense of a Versa Top as someone who can bottom but is predominantly a top; and therefore a versa homo is someone who can enjoy sex with the opposite sex, but prefers to have sex with the same gender?
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I do not say I love you to lead people on.
But I am single, available, and attainable.
If you like me, I’ll probably say I love you to you very easily.
If you don’t like me, I’ll probably still say I love you to you until you ask me to stop.
If you drop hints that you want to have sexual relations with me, I’ll probably check you out.
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I might even try you out for size.
And if I can look past your limitations, maybe I will give you a chance to live with me.
And if you don’t get tired of getting on with me in a beautiful dreamy life, I’m likely to stick it out with you.
Because again, I’m in my fifties, and I’m no spring chicken.
I’m so ready for a monogamous relationship!
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And I want to be saying I love you to everyone all the time without them mistaking that I’m just saying it to get laid.
Because, believe me, I love the world.
And sometimes, I just want to embrace all the lonely people.
To give them love when they feel unloved.
And that doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to stick my tongue down their throat./PN
