DON’T THINK that just because a couple is married for twenty years, they are happy. Yes, they look happy on social media but is that the real score. That is the question. Because you see, when you photograph, your brains are wired to smile – this is our default response. But behind those eyes, can you see the unhappiness, the seeming lack of luster, the longing to be set free, the need for liberation?
Many women are trapped in an unhappy marriage. Let’s call a spade a spade. Let’s the tackle the issue head on. They stay in the marriage for one and a thousand reasons including the need for stature, the children’s emotional and mental well-being, economic stability, family standing in the community, in-laws’ plea and bargaining, and plain resignation. The last reason, of course, is the most devastating.
Whatever the reason, perhaps you can still work your way through the relationship. Perhaps there is still an unexplored path left to revive your relationship. If there is one, go for it! I support you all the way. However, may I remind you that this is not a one-way street. This is a mutual decision and a complex one. This will not be easy.
But pray tell, what if all avenues have been exhausted and there is none left, will you let yourself decay for the rest of your life regretting why you stayed on when you could have chosen a happier path? Is an unhappy married woman really doomed for the rest of her mortal life because of the reasons earlier cited?
I respect the spiritual side of approaching a broken relationship, but I also respect the right of every individual to find their respective healing paths, and if these paths lead them to separate lives, this should be respected.
The pressure to stay in a marriage will be high from all corners but I believe that the individual involved whose mental and physical health are at stake, should be given elbow room to navigate this tricky part of her existence, and provided sufficient time sans the noise of concerned persons, to answer the tough questions confronting her, since she is the one who will stay in the marriage for the longest time or out of it! I understand the influence of parents, family members, friends, and close confidantes, but I also understand the need of any woman to be happy. If there’s a better choice – the chance to be happier, choose that path.
In a conversation – especially if you’re at the receiving end – when we listen to a story, we should wholly hear the person talking to us because it is her story. Ignore the cacophony of voices seemingly telling you to ask about everyone else involved in that story because after all, it is her story.
If she discusses the rest of the actors in the story, then you can move forward and gently probe. But if she doesn’t want to answer, leave it. Respect her decision.
Some friends would like to know the why, how, and when. I don’t. It’s too loaded with information. It’s stressful. I prefer to just hear the twists and turns, ask a question occasionally, input some experiences, and let the story find its natural course. Your conversation will end on a light note.
Finally, if there’s one thing I admire about a woman, it’s her authenticity. You don’t have to be b*tch to be authentic; be a brave heart instead. Channel that b*tchiness into generosity and bless others in the process. Don’t be arrogant and full of hubris, be a mentor instead. People will thank you for your knowledge, time, and effort.
If you have worn many masks to please others in your lifetime, it’s time to remove those masks, and start living an authentic life. Authenticity is liberating.
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Food for Thought
People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses. – Brené Brown
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The writer hosts Woman Talk with Belinda Sales at 91.1 Balita FM Tagbilaran City every Saturday, 2 p.m. to 3:30 p.m. She can be reached at belindabelsales@gmail.com. Twitter @ShilohRuthie./PN
