THERE is a part of me that truly enjoys wherever in the world I am.
But there’s also a part of me that dreams of some simple life somewhere.
A life that enjoys coffee, not going anywhere, sleeping as much as I want, just laying around all day.
Although that’s really what I also do where I am today.
So, what’s different?
***
I have conditioned my mind that I am a citizen of the world.
That I am a modern nomad, that I can survive anywhere I am blown.
And for most part, I survive.
But I also feel that I am spreading my butter too thinly.
Like, a big part of me still wants to go home.
And home in this case is Dumangas, Iloilo.
***
In the US, I am bicoastal.
I live in California in the West Coast, and in Maryland in the East Coast.
Since downsizing in 2021, I have been traveling all over the world thinking I should scratch all my travel itch before settling and nesting in Iloilo.
I have acquired a few properties in my hometown, and I thought it is time to start developing them.
***
I got great plans.
And then, Covid happened.
And then, the presidential election happened.
And then, the sad Filipino people after the election.
Like, it’s been close to two weeks, and people still haven’t moved on.
Everyone chatting me up online is advising me to postpone my homecoming.
Everyone is paranoid, and confused, and afraid for their safety and mine.
***
So I really don’t know.
I mean, I’ve always been “suicidal” in the biggest sense of the word ‘daring’.
I’m stubborn, and I’m pretty biblical.
I can go with a verse, “If I perish, I perish.”
It makes me think of Ninoy Aquino, but I really think that the new Filipino is not worth dying for.
***
I don’t have much fear in my life.
But I believe in struggles and dreams.
Struggle for survival, struggle with justice, struggle to survive with justice.
Dream of peace, dream of true freedom, dream of doing what we want.
Despite friends’ warnings, I’m still optimistic about peace and order in the Philippines.
Because, God forbid, I am a little tired of another great struggle for freedom against forces of evil.
***
If it sounds like my friends are the thinking Filipinos, well, they are.
These are the creatives and the intellectuals behind the Pink Movement.
These are the people who think more than survival and their next meal.
These are the people who can actually think, and, I think, overthink.
So, I’m not sure if they’re just overthinking.
I think that they are.
But, instinctively, I feel that they can be correct, too.
With massive misinformation and disinformation going on, to what values I am coming home to?
***
If each Filipino, each neighbor has a version of truth, who is to be believed?
Who will uphold justice?
Who do we listen to when everyone is talking?
***
And what about trust?
Can we really trust the system?
It was a landslide victory for Marcos, Jr. but why aren’t people believing it?
Why is there so much doubt?
Why is the election taunted as rigged?
***
People have sheepishly come out with admission of selling their votes.
But there was no joy, no sense of victory, not even self-satisfaction.
One week after the elections, a boy I used to f*ck called me on Facebook Messenger asking me when am I coming home to Iloilo.
The question is a code to mean, I wanna see you again, and you can f*ck me in the ass for a fee.
***
I haven’t seen this boy for a while.
He found a job in Leyte when I last visited Iloilo in March 2020.
I had a feeling that he voted for Marcos.
So I just asked him directly, how much did you get?
He said, he got P1,100 and it has already been all spent.
Now, he needed money for his toddler daughter’s milk.
Nice!, I told him.
But even if he has the most gorgeous arse in the world, I’ll probably not f*ck him again./PN
